Self-Help Happiness Blog

Watching my parents age, especially my father, is very instructive. OK, that’s the mild term for it. Nobody can watch their parents age without undergoing a whirlwind of emotions.

Just as we see so much of ourselves in our children, even our own hope for the future and carrying on our own legacy, so, too, we see so much of ourselves in our parents and we see them paving a path that bears our name on it, as well.

What I am mostly seeing now is my father unable to climb stairs or lift his foot high enough to get into the bathtub. Yes, simple things. Everyday movements. Things we take for granted without even giving it a second thought.I have never been afraid of dying (although I find it pretty surrealistic trying to imagine a world without me - not being interpreted through my own perspective), but I confess to being afraid of going old. I have always said that I don’t want to slowly waste away - just drop a piano on my head. I don’t even want to see it coming.

Of course, watching my parents lose their mobility stirs certain emotions in me.

But one surprising emotion that has appeared is gratitude. Yes. My father is showing me how blessed I am (and hopefully will remain for another half a century) to be able to walk without even thinking about it. To run. To jump. To chase my kids through the forest. To dig in the garden. To do my morning push-ups. Yes! Whatever you take for granted - that’s what deserves appreciating and cheering for the most.

And he is motivating me like nothing ever has before to keep fit. To not let fatigue or overscheduling keep me from at least carrying on some strength and flexibility exercises. This, too, is a very good thing.

NOTE: A previous article on self-esteem and aging gracefully that I wrote…um…how long ago? Gee, I’m racing toward my aging years a lightening speed!

While the Daily Dose of Happiness is on a temporary hold (testing of the new system is going well, so it should not have to wait much longer) I thought I would share this letter with you:

Hello Happy Guy;
 
I have been receiving your daily doses for some time now and every once in a while you get that ONE that just sticks to you like peanut butter.  I am having a tough time at my current job and had a situation yesterday with an Executive Level Employee.  My first instinct to his condescending comment to me was to lash out and get angry; but just as fast as my instinctual reaction, came the recall of this dose….  Needless to say, I did not allow this person to be my master!  I just smiled and killed him with a very polite comment and he was completely thrown off and I walked away with my head held high.
 
It’s definitely a learning process, but without this dose, I would probably still be obsessing over it.
 
Thank you! 

I say Bravo.  Life is about choosing how you want to live, how you want to act, how you want to react.  Don’t let someone else push your buttons.  They are your buttons; you push them!

 

Look at how many people live on less than $2 per day!  This is incredible.  Imagine living on what would buy you no more than a handful of rice and beans and perhaps a glass of milk.  No clothes.  No shelter.  No vehicle.  Not even Internet access.

OK, that’s not completely true.  Many of these people have makeshift houses they build themselves.  And many of them have access to in-season fruits and vegetables.  And most do have some meager clothing.  But none of them will be reading this — even those who can read — because Internet is not something even within their world.

Do I mention this to make you sad?  No, quite the contrary.  You should feel lucky, blessed, fortunate and generous as a result of the blessings you have.  Enough of the “if only I had…” or “if only I could…” or “I just have to get one of those…”  We are all living in the lap of luxury, even most of those who are labeled “poor” have more than the majority of people living today, and an even greater majority of people living throughout history.

In her latest newsletter, Lynda Goldman tells of a trip to LA where she got on a bus expecting a tour of the city…until she started seeing signs for the airport. 

“He apologized, and said he always told people that we were on a collector bus to meet our tour. Because he did this every day, he assumed he had told us what we needed to know.  What a bad start to the tour. Instead of being happy passengers, we were all filled with anxiety, not knowing where we were going. ”

I know I am often guilty of this.  Guilty.  Guilty.  Guilty.  It is so important not to assume that other people know what we are thinking.  Why take the chance of creating stress, having to redo things or simply making people feel bad.

Let’s communicate. 

Michele Moore of  The Happiness Habit is an interesting blogger.  What do I mean by “interesting”? 

In modern times, this overused and trampled word is a void-filler.  Two people lost for words at a conference will say, “Whadaya think will happen?”  “Dunno.” “Should be interesting.”  “Yup, should be interesting.” “Yup, interesting all right.”

The ancient Chinese had a curse: “May you live in interesting times.”

But when I say “interesting”, I actually mean “interesting”.  (Sorry to disappoint you.)  Her posts are refreshingly controversial and thought provoking.   Here are just a few examples:

• Positive Psychology can be dangerous.
• Lessons from The Godfather
• Is Happiness for Everyone?

It is this last one that most intrigues me, in Is Happiness for Everyone?, we see a mug shot of a smiling Steve Jobs glaring smugly at the title, as if he knows something we don’t.  The question Michele raises is not so much whether happiness is for everyone as much as whether the pursuit of happiness is for everyone.

“For some of us other things are more important than happiness… security, social significance, power, prominence, or perhaps creativity or making a lasting, important, indelible impact or contribution.”

People pursuing power or creativity, for example, are not necessarily unhappy.  The pursuit of these goals might be what makes them happy.  But the pursuit of happiness might not.  For others, the pursuit of happiness is everything.  But there is a catch for those pursuing power, creativity and even happiness; one person might be almost completely satisfied with his life chasing whatever he wants to chase, because his happiness is in the chase.  Another person might follow the exact same path, but be totally miserable, because his happiness is in the “if only” that he will never catch.  If only I had power.  If only I could be a little more creative.  If only I could achieve this, I will be happy. 

If only’s never make a person happy.  Enjoying the journey, the pursuit of power, the drive for creativity, the gathering of happiness; these are the motors that drive our happiness.

The Daily Dose of Happiness has been temporarily suspended due to spam complaints that threatened to shut down our Internet access.  Please rest assured that we are committed to finding a new means of delivery that will not expose us to this abuse.

Do you have a funny spot?  I do.  It’s on my head.  Sometimes it pops up a week after getting my hair cut.  Sometimes two, or even three weeks later.  And it seems that each time it pops up a little differently.  More than anything, my funny spot dictates when I get my hair cut.

Most of us have funny spots in our personalities, too.  Certain things might rub us the wrong way.  Or in certain situations we might become suddenly shy or clumsy after a while. 

Just as my hair needs maintenance to help manage that funny spot, we all need personality maintenance, which we often call self-help.  We need to know what characteristics about ourselves look “funny” or somehow interfere with smooth relationships with others.  And we need to take regular measures to manage those elements.  Chances are, these are not things we can eliminate (although some might be), but simply to keep a check on them so that they allow us to be pleasant to others and function at our best in our community.

Consider this: you give your car regular maintenance, don’t you?

P.S.  I once had an even funnier spot on my head…

This post first appeared in A Daily Dose of Happiness newsletter

What on earth is this rubbish?

A role model for ordinary women? No, Miss England finalist is fat, lazy and a poster girl for ill health

So Chloe Marshall, a plus-size model, has been named Miss England. And the debate rages on. Is she fat? Well, she has a little extra fat on her body and she could use to lose it. How much extra you need to be labeled fat, I don’t know, but would you write it out about somebody in big letters in the newspaper. Shame on the Daily Mail and on writer Monica Grenfell.

Is Chloe lazy? You can bet your bottom dollar she is not. Nobody gets to be Miss England without putting in a lot of effort…especially after failing the mandatory anorexia test!

Is she a poster girl for ill health? I’ll buy that one from a fitness/nutrition perspective, because she is overweight (with a BMI clearly exceeding healthy proportions), but only if her detractors concede that she is no more a poster girl for ill health than 99% of models who show young girls how glamorous it is to be anorexic. The fact is that both anorexia and obesity are dangers women face and both are worrisome. And the modeling industry vigorously promotes anorexia. So taken in isolation, Chloe might be a poster girl for ill health, but taken in the context of the modeling industry, she actually represents a faint glimmer of balance.

(post continues below photo)

What short-sited observers like Monica Grenfell fail to recognize is that nutrition is not everything - that self-esteem and a healthy body image are also important. I do not think Chloe sends a message to young girls (or old girls, for that matter) that they should eat too much. No risk of that.

But in a world whose subtext is be skinny to get ahead, Chloe is the poster girl for “even if you fail at what everyone else says you have to be, you can still go out and do what you want and even succeed!”

So whether you happen to be born too short or too tall, with wide bones or narrow. Whether you happen to have challenges keeping weight off or pimples off. Whatever physical traits you might have, beyond your control or simply challenging to control, do not let them stand in your way of pursuing your dreams and reaching your goals.  You are more than your packaging.

Go for it!

I ran across this list of the world’s healthiest foods.  Of course, every list is subjective, but I like how this list is organized. 

If you look carefully, the categories are actually in order.  For instance, vegetables is the first category, whereas natural sweeteners are at the bottom.

And if you click on any of the 129 healthy foods, you get a very detailed explanation of why and how it is healthy.  I was surprised to see spices on the list, thinking they were just flavoring eaten in too small a quantity to really provide much health at all.  But I learned better.  I now know that I need just two teaspoons of cinnamon in my cake to get 10% of my daily intake of iron.  Of course, I would have to eat the whole cake.  But even a little cinnamon added to one’s diet helps with several minerals.

Of course, the healthier we eat, the happier we feel, so get cooking with fresh, natural, home-made ingredients.

In a recnt Daily Dose of Happiness I wrote:

SAFETYHaving just read an article in Maclean’s called “Butchers and Monsters”, about how the Chinese government bullies the people in the territory it controls, I am reminded of how lucky I am to live where and when I do. I know most of our readers share that luck, but not all.It’s not just that this is a safe place, but also it is a safe time. Most people throughout history have had to live in the shadows of a bully ruler who could pretty much do whatever he chose with peasants in territory he controlled.  Most people throughout history have had to live in fear that a village or kingdom or principality nearby or farther
away would invade, loot or otherwise destroy their village.Those of us with the good fortune to be living in times of peace in the land of people will never be able to truly understand how it is to live looking over your shoulder.  But let us be grateful that we will never truly understand.

This edition drew a number of interesting comments.  Some were political, such as whether Western media is reporting China with bias and opinions on illegal immigration, which are interesting topics but beside the point.  Others addressed the heart of the topic, essentially questioning the notion that we live in relatively fear-free times/place.  I would like to share a couple of them with you here.

You forget about those who live with sick and mean people. I look over my shoulder 24/7 where I live, for fear of being yelled at, evicted for the flip of a hat reason, chased down hallways… I’m 24 and going to school to better myself so I can leave. Sure, we live in a free country but not all of us live in a free home.

To which I replied…

That is true.  There is no escaping the various characteristics of individuals.  Still, consider that you can go to school.  In Afghanistan, women are still trying to get that simple right, and facing incalculable risks as a result, in many cases from within their own home, nut also from death squads roaming the countryside hunting down women who dare to pose as humans.

Which resulted in…

Wow, well I guess you make a good point.. I have read about those women, and my heart breaks at the injustice of it. I do have a crappy home life, but it is true that I am not being killed for trying to better my situation — just put through the ringer in the process, is all. Thank you for the perspective. 

Another response from a reader was this one.

Hello “The Happy Guy”I’m responding to your email because I really don’t believe in what you said below - that we here in Canada are all safe.  I think we tend to take that for granted.  I used to think that before 9/11 happened. The people who lost their lives during the 9/11 crisis thought they were safe too.  With our biggest ally at war right now, we never know who
El-Qaida (sorry, I don’t know how to spell it) will hit next and how many people will die.

Yes, I agree that we are way better off than Chinese citizens and many other parts of the world, but are we truly safe?  Think about it.

To which I replied…

There is no such thing as complete safety.  A comet could enter our atmosphere tomorrow and wipe out all life on earth.  The shock over 9/11 is testament to how safe we are, how we can sit back and relax and enjoy life without constant fear.  When something like this does happen, it’s such an aberration that, in addition to the sadness at the loss of life, there is a total shock that it could even happen here.  We really are blessed to be able to live day to day without much fear of being butchered, raped and pillaged, and that we can say pretty much whatever we wish and choose to do pretty much whatever we wish without being brutally assaulted by soldiers or guards for so-doing.

I hope this gives people some additional food for thought, as I believe appreciation is paramount for happiness.